Searching For Balance

This morning I did something I haven’t done in over a year: I stepped on the scale. In June 2010 I weighed 130 pounds and wore a size 4. I liked weighing the same as I did in 10th grade. I admired myself in the mirror. People told me I looked good. But the thing is, I felt like crap, had no energy, napped a lot, wasn’t sleeping good. I was eating all the time, yet still slowly starving myself. I was forcing my body to be a size it didn’t want to be.

Over the last 17 months I have gained a lot of weight. I didn’t need to step on the scale to know it. I have gone from a size 4 to a size 12 (I even have a pair of 14 jeans). I avoided the scale because I knew I wouldn’t like the number I saw. Recently, I decided I want to lose 10 pounds. I needed to know where I’m starting, so today I stepped on the scale.

I cried more in anticipation of the scale than after I saw the number: 174. I have gained 40 pounds since June 2010 (running a lot doesn’t automatically keep you slender). That number doesn’t define who I am though, it’s just one small way to describe the physical me (I’m also 5’5”). So I guess today officially starts the quest to lose 10. After I lose 10, I’ll see how I feel and go from there.

In Winter 2009, I remember being upset with myself for weighing 150 pounds. My coach at the time thought maybe that’s where my body wanted to be. I thought that was total B.S. I wanted to be a skinny runner. So I forced my body to go somewhere it didn’t want to. I was a skinny runner for a few months. I felt fast and I was fast for me. I got PRs. But I barely had enough energy to get through my workouts, and I took a lot of time to recover from workouts and races.

Now that 150 pounds is sounding like a pretty good number, a happy medium. But I’ll take it 10 pounds at a time, see how I feel, and go from there. I think I’ve learned my lesson: don’t let your monkey-mind force your body to be somewhere it doesn’t want to be. At 170 pounds, I am sleeping better, can run for longer (even if it’s not as fast as I’d like), and am recovering from runs MUCH faster. And my Iron, Omega 3, and Vitamin D levels are up to where they should be—all were quite low a year ago.

I’ve gone a little too far in both directions. Now I’m just searching for balance.